I’m going to preface this story with a little disclaimer. If you do not like the word poop, if you don’t think it is particularly funny, and if you don’t think stories involving poop are funny, you should probably stop reading now. Just turn the ol’ laptop off and go about your day.
For those of us still reading, HOLY poop, Batman! A hilarious Facebook post is going viral this week after a man shared his story when his Roomba decided to take on a pile of dog poo in the middle of the night.
“So, last week, something pretty tragic happened in our household. It’s taken me until now to wrap my head around it and find the words to describe the horror,” he begins describing to the delight of readers everywhere.
For those who do not know what a Roomba is, allow me to explain. It’s a robot vacuum that cleans while you sit on the couch shoving tacos in your yapper. It literally finds all the nooks and crannies in your house and sucks up all the dirt for you. And with the exception of my cat who occasionally gives it the stink eye, it does all this with relative silence. Which is why you usually set this little miracle free at night.
You see where I’m going with this, right?
Jesse Newton, the author of the post, named what transpired when Roomba meets poo, “The Pooptastrophe. The poohpocalypse. The pooppening.” He warns us all:
“If you have a Roomba, please rid yourself of all distractions and absorb everything I’m about to tell you.
Do not, under any circumstances, let your Roomba run over dog poop. If the unthinkable does happen, and your Roomba runs over dog poop, stop it immediately and do not let it continue the cleaning cycle. Because if that happens, it will spread the dog poop over every conceivable surface within its reach, resulting in a home that closely resembles a Jackson Pollock poop painting.”
Solid advice from someone who spent the next several hours cleaning feces from every surface of his home, including his child. Wait, his child? How did that happen? Well, here’s how.
“When your four-year-old gets up at 3am to crawl into your bed, you’ll wonder why he smells like dog poop. And you’ll walk into the living room. And you’ll wonder why the floor feels slightly gritty. And you’ll see a brown-encrusted, vaguely Roomba-shaped thing sitting in the middle of the floor with a glowing green light, like everything’s okay. Like it’s proud of itself.
And then the horror. Oh the horror.”
I probably shouldn’t brag at this point in the story, but our dog Frank eats his own poop. Yeah, I KNOW it’s disgusting. You don’t have to roll your eyes at me. We’ve tried everything within our power to try and get him to stop. But, considering this story, maybe I shouldn’t be so hard on him.
Newton then describes first cleaning his son. “You scrub the poop off his feet and put him back in bed. But you don’t bother cleaning your own feet, because you know what’s coming. It’s inevitable, and it’s coming at you like a freight train.” Good. Lord.
Now onto the Roomba. I should mention these puppies are like $400 so throwing it out is not an option.
“So you clean the Roomba. You toss it in the bathtub to let it soak. You pull it apart, piece-by-piece, wondering at what point you became an adult and assumed responsibility for 3:30am-Roomba-disassembly-poop-cleanups. By this point, the poop isn’t just on your hands – it’s smeared up to your elbows. […] Oh, and you’re not just using profanity – you’re inventing new types of profanity,” he explains. “You’re saying things that would make Satan shudder in revulsion. You hope your kid stayed in bed, because if he hears you talking like this, there’s no way he’s not ending up in prison.”
I could go on but I can’t see my keyboard through the tears running down my face. You NEED to read the entire post in it’s entirety.
Props to you, Jesse. Sending you all of the poopless vibes this mother of three can muster.