Hank the dog is very much alive and the same dog he ever was, not a replacement dog smuggled in under the cover of night and also named Hank to dupe innocent fans of both baseball and dogs.
That’s all true — if you believe what MLB‘s Milwaukee Brewers said in a press conference Friday.
But: Do you believe what MLB’s Milwaukee Brewers said in a press conference Friday? Or …
*Takes bong rip*
*Exhales voluminous cloud of smoke*
*Coughs three times*
Or do you believe the truth is more complicated and still out there, lurking somewhere beneath the surface-level corporate lines the sports industrial complex tries to feed you, man?
First, we must understand Hank’s origin story. Hank is a fluffy little white dog who used to be a stray. Then he wandered into the Brewers 2014 spring training, got adopted by the team, became beloved by Milwaukee fans and eventually fulfilled his destiny as the team’s unofficial mascot.
Now, the question you have to ask yourself is this: IF HANK THE DOG DIED WOULD THE BREWERS TELL THEIR FANS OR WOULD THEY SIMPLY GET A NEW LITTLE WHITE DOG, TRY THE OLD SWITCHEROO AND HOPE NO ONE NOTICED?
After photos began circulating online showing a more clean-cut version of Hank, the latter possibility became a very real concern among Brewers fans — so much so that the team called a press conference Friday to address the issue.
Public outcry reached a breaking point Monday when the Brewers blog Brew Crew Ball published an incendiary report titled “Bait and Switch: Hank the Ballpark Pup is an Imposter.”
Oh, DAMN! Brew Crew Ball cites this tweet as the first to galvanize momentum for the conspiracy theory.
TL; DR: Hank used to look way mangier, so it must be a different dog.
With the Hank-is-dead theory having graduated from Threat Level Twitter Chatter to Threat Level Real-Life Blog Post, the Brewers called a press conference for Friday. The even Periscoped the dang thing.
During that presser, the team produced a notarized letter from a veterinarian declaring that this Hank is, in fact, the real and original Hank. The letter states that scanning a microchip embedded in Hank in 2014 proved that this dog is, in fact, that dog. Furthermore, the letter states, original Hank was neutered and suspect Hank has no balls, so they must be the same dog.
“This is definitely the original Hank,” the letter concludes. Any improved appearance is simply the result of no longer being a homeless dog, it adds.
And now you have the story — or the story the Brewers want you to believe, anyway. The question is: Do you?
Now pass that bong and let’s discuss whether or not the moon landing was staged.